Figuring Me Out/Puzzle Piece

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I am a “unique” person. I have always known this since the day I was born and it was affirmed to me around the third grade at PS 102 when the Guidance Counselor told me “I was different than other kids” and told me moving forward I was going to be sitting with different specialty therapists once a week for different things including a behavioral psychologist.

Being a young kid and dealing with something like that can be very tough especially with other kids and parents. I remember one parent in particular that treated me like I had leprosy and that bitch was driving an “Isuzu Trooper” and I am of the freak? Bitch please.

Though in seriousness, she told her son “that kid is a freak… stay away, he sees a shrink” and she actually did drive a Trooper. Certain things I don’t forget.

It was like this for the next few years and it hit some really, really low spots including family matters also affecting me when I was in Junior High.

Things got better in High School, where everyone in a way is a freak and I planned out what I was going to do that summer before I went to high school. I was going to “fake it” in terms of being “normal” and keep on even acting like I did not need “help” from therapists, though when I got to High School, they moved me to “off-site” therapists all around the Park Slope neighborhood of Brooklyn. I would get to leave school 30 minutes early on the days i needed to when it didn’t interfere with practice.

I just assimilated what I saw in other people i liked. I emphasized the things I was already passionate about like Sports, and made a choice to be more social.

It became a godsend for me. High School was a great experience for me with the one exception of guilt when I insulted Piccolo’s mom after he insulted mine not knowing his mother passed away. I was socializing, I had a great part-time job at Blockbuster and I had the High School experiences.

I figured it out and got through it. College was tougher, I took a full scholarship at the local City College (aka Commuter) and literally had no friends. Most of my HS friends moved on elsewhere and no one in my classes wanted to hang out. I reverted back to form.

Once I started working after College, I had to start from scratch but made an amazing group of friends including 3 of them who I am still closest to this day. Including the friend I am seeing in San Francisco in a month or so.

My whole life is a puzzle (yes, that certain “puzzle piece” for what I have foundation wasn’t a coincidence), I have to continually figure out how to make my circumstances work at each junction of my life, piece by piece.

But the one I still haven’t figured out is the most important of them all. How to figure out how to be happy. While I made a lot of strides in life and I am proud of myself for it. I never figured out how to combine all of them together.

I am not satisfied with myself, I feel i am capable of more and I haven’t figured it out. I don’t feel entitled, I just don’t know what to do to get what I need for myself and I always wing it and hope for the best but it’s not good enough for me.

I am too dependent on people as much as I am independent. I also still have a hard time reading social cues and people. I do take it personally when people don’t text me back within a reasonable time. I always think anything is never enough and I overthink everything.

I can be an admitted grouch also though especially those who have seen me like that know It’s more self-loathing than someone when that happens.

I also want something special with someone but “I always get in the way” of myself and it has constantly led me to heartache/break over and over again like some twisted cupid self-fulfilling prophecy.

I also need to be better about “letting things go” and moving forward while not looking back at regret and “What if” or “This asshole¬†fucked me over”. It’s just very hard for me because I always feel everything can be corrected, changed, fix for the better, etc. I just feel like it’s worst to “give up” than “let go” even though I have too,

I think over the next few months going into summer, I need to finally starting all these puzzles and remaining pieces and figure out… How to be happy. how to live in the moment, how to find love, how to better my life,etc.

I have too. I am truly at that point. I need to finish the puzzle.

Vinnie

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