Empty Space

Have you ever felt you had the answers to everything but not really? You know what you want in life but you really don’t? You can see that distant light at the end of a tunnel but it’s too far away everything you get closer and closer. So close yet still so far away.

I am older and wiser but I still haven’t figured “it” out yet. Well I think I do and it’s literally right in front of me, but it’s impossible for me to reach and take it. There are barriers all around and if I get passed them, another one opens up for instance this one of many, many scenarios:

  • Boy is painfully shy and doesn’t really feel confident in himself
  • Boy meets Girl
  • Boy really likes Girl and Boy feels Girl does also
  • Boy is afraid of what Girl will think because Boy thinks Girl really doesn’t after all feel anything for him
  • Boy tortures himself for months trying to tell girl how he feels but can’t ultimately do it
  • Boy doesn’t tell Girl
  • Boy wonders “What if?”

I made a very hard effort to get myself to be close to normal after a tough struggle throughout my adolescence and never gave up despite many, many setbacks that almost prevented me from having a normal life.

Yet that awkward, scared invalid person somehow is still in me like a cruel reminder that things don’t always fully change no matter how much you really think they do. It’s like there’s a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in me with the exception being I would never hurt someone like Mr. Hyde other than myself.

I am still wandering the city aimlessly whether down the Hudson River or downtown Brooklyn around trying to figure out the answer for me or if I really do have the answer already:

The question- How can I find that ultimate acceptance and happiness?

The answer?  To be determined.

-V. for Vinnie

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