Dreamer

Starry, Starry Night

I am a big dreamer. I take that back. I am a really, really BIG dreamer. As one former American Idol champion sang in a really crappy song, he did in the final show that season… “If you don’t dream BIG, what’s the point of dreaming?”

I dream a lot and can vividly remember them easily to exact details of the dreams I have whether I am in REM sleep or daydreaming on a park bench along the Hudson River.

For a few years when I was in college, I actually kept a running dream journal on my laptop. I would fill out pages, it spooked me out how much I could remember in the dreams whether they were normal dreams or vivid, chilling nightmares or just completely nutty, whacky dreams. I made it a challenge to myself to especially figure out the whacky dreams and try to nail down what the dream is about?

I read a lot of Freud around that time and I am a believer in his theories of dreams though my own “superego” doesn’t repress anything of the dreams I have at all or I atleast think it doesn’t.

My dreams and nightmares are pretty much my desires played out over the 4-6 hours I sleep at night.  Whatever is on my mind at that moment or whatever memory or thought that is lingering over and over again.

The last two weeks I have been having two dreams recur a lot with a continuing threads:  One is a dream of something I want and the other is a disturbing nightmare that bothers me deeply.

The dream I have of that special girl I have fallen for and how I dream of the relationship we will likely never have in real life.

I dream of the dates we have together and our growing relationship like it’s a serialized romantic comedy.

The dreams pretty much get me through my difficulties of telling her how I feel in the interim even though I know those dreams will never be a reality. The detail of the dreams are very vivid and clear.

I am me in those dreams, nothing is altered about me in them. The girl is also is not changed either in the dreams, she’s the same beautiful girl I love with her personality.

I know I can’t continue this dream, and accept the reality of the current situation and also that it can make it difficult for me to get over the fact I will never be with her. But at this point, I am going to let them play out in my dreams for now. At least to feel “something” and to give me some hope, that “love does exist” and hopefully I can make a dream girl into a reality.

The nightmare on the other hand is something I wish would go away and go away soon. I really can’t waking up in cold sweats and heavy breathing anymore to it, feeling so sad.

The nightmare is based on my current struggles with a friend who is mad at me because I let her down.

While the dream was more realistic in tone, the nightmare is pretty much an epic, surrealistic psychological horror film with something always horrible happening to me at the end.

She won’t say it to me but she’s right to feel that way. I did fail her and I am not proud of myself for the void that is happening between us. She deserves better from me and I need to do better for her because I don’t want to lose one of the best friends I have currently.   I want so badly to do right by her and get everything back to good again. I worked so hard and sacrificed for our friendship I don’t want it to end like this.

Nightmares are just worst thing to go through. It’s your  fears played out as you sleep where you really are defenseless like movies “Nightmare on Elm Street” say subtly though instead of a Sarcastic Face Charred Monster stalking you, it’s your thoughts turning against you to deliver awful, terrible thoughts in your mind and trying to destroy the good thoughts you have.

I hope I can make things better between me and my friend. I don’t want us to to be not the same anymore. We went through so much together for us, it would be one of the worst things to happent o me.

I rather have an unfulfilled dream than a realized nightmare on my mind.

In closing, when you sleep, just remember dreams are what drive you as a person but they don’t ultimately define you. You need to realize your dreams for them to be real. Nightmares are the wake-up calls you don’t want to have but remind you that only you can take control of them and make things right.

I am going to go to sleep tonight. I really hope I dream and my nightmares are no longer and I still have a friend.

-V. for Vinnie

 

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