A Win for Self

WINNING!

As I lay snug in bed and watching the NY Giants vs. SF 49ers in the NFC Title Game (4th Quarter, Giants in the Red Zone after the 49ers muffed a punt return). I can’t help but think about the crazy week that happened to me this week.

I won’t go into detail about exactly what happened to me because in the scheme of things for me, it’s not relevant to me anymore, the situation was resolved and I came out on top.

What is relevant is my faith in self, and the others who have faith in me. Without either, I don’t think I would’ve gotten passed this week with a head held up high and a stronger belief in myself than I have had recently.

It started on Wednesday when I received some personally devastating news to me. It just felt so sudden and I was completely blindsided by it. My first reaction, unexpectedly from me was “anger”.

I was so angry by this news. I felt like hitting something (please note “something”, not “someone”) because of how frustrated it felt to find out this news given all I had went through.

It felt like the goal I wanted to achieve, waited and sacrificed for was right there in my grasp for the taking then in a blink of a moment, it was gone. It made the feeling of rejection even worst considering I knew in my heart that I had completely earned that goal.

It’s one thing If I didn’t I earn it, I can accept that begrudgingly. I am a self-aware, honest with myself person I know when I do not live up to something and fail to achieve a goal.

I know when I don’t deserve something BUT, I more than deserved this. I put my heart into it, did it the right way without hurting myself or others, gave up a lot willingly and never gave up hope that “this” would be mine.

After about a hour to cool off and assessing my options, I channeled that anger into “confidence” and stood up for myself using my accomplishments as my supporting case in my appeal to get what I deserved. I really didn’t waver speaking up and I didn’t hesitate, at all.

Probably one of the best moments when I ever displayed “confidence in myself” and yet afterward I felt completely defeated. Because I didn’t get what I wanted, after passionately pleading my case displaying “testicular fortitude” I never knew I had.

It felt like an actor who delivers the audition of a lifetime where he doesn’t miss a beat, only to find out after that audition, he just wasn’t good enough and that this would be the “end of the road” for him.

That “confidence” then became “sadness”. I was hurt and completely despondent feeling that I was a failure and wondering what did I do wrong for me not to get what I worked so hard for.

At that point of feeling at my lowest, my friends were there for me. It sounds cliched and a staple of every teen , rom com, sports, uplifting drama films but when you are at your worst that’s when you really know who are the people who really care for you.

Fortunately for me, I had a lot of people who did 🙂  People who cared about me, comforted me and most importantly, believed in me. They were the ones who tried to lift me up and remind me of the person they know I am when I was very hard on myself and really hurt.

24 hours later, those same people went to bat for me when they didn’t need too. They risked there well being for mine and I would not have wanted them too, if it meant they would put themselves in a bad position but they did.

Because of those people who fought for me, I prevailed, achieved and earned the goal I had wanted all along…

My “sadness” turned into “happiness” in another blink of a moment when I thought I was defeated … What I thought was lost was found.

Going through what I went through might have been one of the best things that ever really happened to me.

It affirmed my faith in the goodness of people especially those who I care about deeply.

It reminded me, that per Frank Capra films that no one is a failure, if he has friends.

It made me realize that I am a good person who will fight for what I believe in and that I am more confidence in myself than I know because those people who cared about me wouldn’t have done that for me if they did not feel that strongly about me in the first place.

I owe those people a lot for what they did for me and I will never forget it.

I overcame a lot in life especially when I was very young and last week was another challenge and I came through again. I just have to keep reminding myself that “not all is lost” and if you fight for what you believe in and have faith in yourself and others, that is all you need sometimes.

I “lost” a battle but won the “war” this week 🙂

-V. for Vinnie

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