The Dutchess

I met her not too long ago, last year. At first, I was kinda intimidated by her. She was a force of nature from seeing her interact with people near me. We were neighbors for about awhile before I moved and I was very curious of her just by walking passed her.

I was nervous to introduce myself to her, even a simple “hello” felt like a significant challenge and I work in Advertising, so that says something.

We had exchanged, the usual platitudes of “Hi” and “Hello” as we passed each other. The thing that always entranced me with her was her smile and her eyes especially on “first contact”.

One day, I decided to stop being such a “reclusive neighbor”. I came over to formally introduce myself to her. Mind you, it had been two weeks.

Now, it doesn’t really surprise me I acted this way, given my past and how I had to deal with being socially awkward toward people especially with girls, but I really haven’t really been this way towards someone like that since I wanna say since probably my junior year in college, which told me how I felt about her then.

She as expected, was really nice and welcoming.

To be honest and I don’t want to come off as judgmental, but I never introduce to people I don’t feel comfortable with and how they treat others. I don’t want to waste my time with those people, I only associate myself with people I admire, care for, respect and love.

I was (and still am) really attracted to her, but given the lack of my confidence in myself and the fact, she was probably dating some amazing guy who’s probably 100 times the person I am. I decided not to pursue her.

As the time passed, I got to know her more and more, as we would occasionally talk.

One thing, really caught me off guard, one day when I noticed something very distinctive on she had, which caught my immediate attention. We had a mutual love of a certain “something” and thats when I felt more comfortable talking to her more than I did in the past.

We started to hang out a bit because of that mutual love and I was really smitten with her and comfortable from the start, which for those who know me best, know that is very rare for that happen quickly with someone.

I always had feelings for her, but I kept them aside until something had happened which brought them to the forefront of my mind.

I made a really horrible mistake in front of her, I don’t want to elaborate any further on what it was. I know I am open about my feelings in this blog which is why I started this blog in the first place, but certain things I can’t disclose and this is one of them. I can tell you, I didn’t try to kiss her or anything like that, I am not that type of person to force myself on someone.

I became scared and vulnerable in front of her because of the mistake I made. She should have been mad at me because of what I did and I would have understood and listened, if she never wanted to see me again. I really wanted to be somewhere else at that moment, preferably a closet in the corner alone.

She wasn’t mad at me, quite the opposite reaction I expected. She was comforting and reassuring to me though she should have told me to “fuck off and I never want to see you again”. I was really taken aback by that and her warmth.

Those times can really tell you who people really are and if they care about you. That moment really brought back those feelings and made me even fall in love with her more.

I never ever really felt that way anyone in my life like I feel for her. She really is amazing. It’s not “transference”, I have had many a people including girls console me whenever I needed someone when I was really down or despondent. I didn’t fall in love with her because she comforted me once.

I am so conflicted with my feelings for her because I know deep down she does not have those feelings for me and I have been burned by my feelings for others before I really can’t afford another heartache at this point in my life. I don’t think I am ever going to find that someone especially someone like her. Love isn’t meant for everyone, and I think this applies in my case.

I want to tell her so bad how I really feel about her and let her know how incredible she is, how beautiful she is, how she makes me want to be a better person, and that she deserves to have nothing but the best in life. She deserves a Prince. Unfortunately, I will never be a Prince no matter how hard I try to be one.

I can’t tell her and I have to accept that that she will never love me and that I just won’t ever meet that girl.

If “you” are reading this “Dutchess”. I love you. Please understand why I cannot tell you and how conflicted I have been dealing with my feelings for you. I did this to keep what we currently have together, a growing friendship that means a lot to me. I most importantly did this to protect you because you deserve better than me, you really do and I pray that you find that someone who loves you like I do that is worthy of you. While I won’t ever “be” with you, I’ll still dream about you and the faintest of hopes that maybe someday we can be together. So close yet so far.

-V. for Vinnie

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s