When I first met you, not too long ago. The first thing I saw was “The Glow”. It was striking, it brought me back to the time when I was young and innocent without a worry in the world, wonder what future will bring me one day and looked up at the stars in the sky on a Brooklyn rooftop and saw them shooting around, hoping one day I could find one of my own.
All I could think was: Who was this lady in front of me with those glowing eyes? Where had she been, all my life? Was she real? Can she really be that amazing? Was the girl of my dreams, really in front of me?
Every time I see you I want to become George Bailey and all I want to do is Lasso the Moon and give it to you. There is not a recent time when you are not in my thoughts in someway. There isn’t a moment I can see you from a distance and not smile at the sight of you. You sometimes are the nightlight to the darkness I have carried in my life. There were so many times, I saw you angry and upset that I wanted to be there for you and protect you but I couldn’t without showing my “true feelings” about you. All those guarded feelings would escape for good.
I’ve kept those feelings to myself, and never told anyone about them, not even to the people I have trusted and confided with. I have too. I’ve been burned by my feelings, far too many times to even count anymore.
It was always the same story played over and over again for me, like reading “The Great Gatsby” hoping the ending would be different and always feeling heartbroken for the protagonist who did everything for the girl he loved but she didn’t love him.
Especially you. You are really different. The stakes are really higher with you than any other.
You are so full of life, love, and happiness and would make any one worthy of you, a better man if they saw you like I have see you now. It angers me when I see men who don’t see that in you and take you for granted.
I see a beautiful, independent, smart woman with a lust for living and a heart as big as anyones I ever met. You can immediately comfort people up with a smile and a few words. Other people have seen your “Glow” and are just as astonished as I am. I know it. I felt it.
I love you so much, I can’t be with you. You deserve much better than me and in my heart, I know it’s true. You need and will eventually find, Prince Charming who will finally see what I see in you and he better or he is missing the best part of the movie that is his life. You don’t need a scared boy who couldn’t give you everything you deserve including the moon.
That’s why sometimes I have purposely distanced myself from you because there are times it’s really hard to face you with the feelings I have.
One time I actually did work up a nerve to tell you how I really felt. My confidence was riding sky high at that moment. I really felt I could take on the world at that point, because of how you made me feel.
But I got scared, panicked and did something I really regretted doing because I had to out of protection for you. I was protecting you from me. I sabotaged myself on purpose in front of you, out of love.
I know for a fact you didn’t realize it then and you probably will now if you really thought back long and hard, that night. I sacrificed pouring my true feelings out to you and the unlikely potential of “us” because I love you and couldn’t fathom putting you in that position of being with a scared boy when you really need that prince on a white horse despite the certainty, you didn’t have those feelings for me in the first place.
If I ever did work up the nerve and told you how I really feel about you. I would have said the following:
______________. Let me be the one to make you happy. Let me be the one to give you everything you deserve in life. Let me be the one to love you. Let me be the one to protect you with every bone/nerve in my body from danger and self-doubt. Let me be the one to provide you comfort and joy during a time of cynicism and uncertainty. Let me be the one who helps make your dreams come true. Most importantly, Let me be the one to make you feel how I feel about you.
That’s what I would have said though likely knowing how nervous/shy I can get. I probably would have stammered through the whole speech. It wouldn’t have come out right and I probably would have embarrassed myself in front of you and I would find a place to hide out of failure and I couldn’t even look at your beautiful eyes ever again.
I love you, _____ ________. All I want for you this Christmas is to find someone worthy of you and see how I will always see you. Don’t ever change or feel the need too, you are perfect as you are. I really mean that. Too many people search for perfection when they don’t realize they already are despite some flaws here or there because of the soul (or glow) within, which you more than have.
If somehow you ever found out how I really feel about you, please understand why I couldn’t tell you and I hope you will let me stay in your life. I hope I can catch a star.
-V. for Vinnie