I have always been in a constant struggle with myself between trying to be practical in terms of what I want in life and accepting things where they are given my limitations as a person and trying to fulfill my ultimate dreams and wishes and not accept any limitations.
I want to be realistic and honest with myself but at the same time, I don’t want to settle in life when I know I can be capable of so much more to achieve what I wanted even though it might mean struggles
Both have their positives and negatives. Either can be right or wrong.
On one hand, accepting how things are might be more calming, relaxing experience and involves little to no pressure but it also means complacency in life, feeling bored and wondering what could’ve been had you taken a risk once a while.
On the other hand, you can endeavor on a thrilling adventure opening up great, new possibilities that may have either been unknown or something right in front of you but you just never looked closer to realized. But, it’s never an easy journey and that hard journey can result in complete heartache and failure, if you do not achieve what you wanted.
I am at conflict with both worlds even, more lately. Part of me wants to accept who I am and be ok with that and not worry so much about anything else and be “safe”. The other part of me wants to tell that “safe” part of me to “stop acting like a pussy and take a risk or two and just see how everything plays out”
There’s a particular battle over something I want so bad in my life. I want this more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. This thing I want if I can get it can open the door to so much more and I just want to take that risk and hope for the best outcome to happen. I would fight for this with every inch of me because this is the dream I want to be fulfilled.
But, If I do this. If I open that door and not just fail, but fail miserably which I have done in the past in other instances. I really don’t know how I can ever recover again from that. Seriously.
That situation I am currently in reminds me of my favorite book, “The Great Gatsby” by F. Scott Fitzgerald. The title character, Jay Gatsby was a regular joe/soldier who came from a poor background.
He ended up meeting a girl named Daisy who he was instantly in love with. He would’ve did anything and everything for her. Daisy was his ultimate dream. She couldn’t be with him though and ended up being with a millionaire, Tom.
Gatsby, ended up changing his name and reinvented himself as a millionaire bootlegger (the book was set in the 1920’s when Alcohol was illegal..crazy… right?) making tons of money making shady and illegal deals just to be back in Daisy’s life.
Gatsby’s dream, at least to him was almost fulfilled until the bottom came out. Everything he did for her ended up blowing up in his face and ultimately costing him his life. He took a chance, worked hard for it with danger lurking, only to see it slip away from his fingers because his dream was a “dream”.
That book always served to me as a cautionary tale about being an obsessive for a dream. You can do it all to achieve that dream, but in a moment’s notice, it can unravel and can even make what was a fantasy dream into a realistic nightmare.
The ultimate deciding point to me in terms of I want to go after what I really want so bad is summed up on one fundamental question:
If Gatsby could see the future when he decided to go after Daisy and saw the outcome he was heading toward. Would he had done it regardless, hoping to tempt the fates and seeing if he could have his happy ending, after all in spite of the future he’s seeing?
That’s the question I would have to answer for myself. I just don’t know if I can even have the guts to try to answer it. So I’ll just keep dreaming for now, it’s the only thing I have to hold on too.
-V. for Vinnie