As mentioned in past blogposts, I am a crossroads in my life. I feel this is the point in my life I have to ultimately choose a path of where I want to go and one path will right, and the other one won’t be.
I am at my most self-aware as a person and I am seeing things more clearly than I ever had before in my life for me to finally make that choice of paths.
In the past I wasn’t ready to make a choice like that in terms of a life direction. I either had blinders on to the world in front of me or just wasn’t mature or wise enough to make the life-defining choice. You really can’t make that choice half-assed, I mean it’s your life!
I do know one thing, when I finally make that choice whether I am ultimately right or wrong where I choose to go. I won’t change being me. I will still be “Vinnie” aka “Goob”.
I like being me, and I know others like me as “Vinnie”. The minute I am no longer myself is the minute I failed as a person.
Do I need to improve myself as “Vinnie”? Yes, of course.
I am still scared of myself. I still have my nemesis “self-doubt” lurking like a Vulture in the desert looking to eat whatever “confidence” I do have in me. I always feel like I don’t do enough though I really do everything. I want to have a meaningful, loving relationship with someone and I still can’t solve that riddle of how to get a girl to see sweet, thoughtful soul of “Vinnie” and not the awkward, scared soul that he sometimes projects though that’s not really him if they just focused on what was in front of them.
But at the same time, I am a good person. One of the few things I never doubted about myself. I am the loyal son/brother/cousin/friend/coworker who really would do anything for everyone. I have an unrelenting passion for many things. I never settle for anything given to me. I work hard to get the things I want and never take any shortcuts because it cheapens the experience and make those things I want “cheap and meaningless”. I have so much to offer and I am determined to prove it, one day and that will be once and for all.
I never really got people who said they wanted to “change” their lives for the better. You are the person you are, no matter what. Maybe you made bad or even worst mistakes in your life Maybe you are unhappy with yourself and where you are in your life. But ultimately, being yourself is the only way out of that hole.
You made better decisions in your life by learning from your mistakes, not by “changing” into someone else.
A different “you” didn’t tell you to lose weight to be healthier, the real “you” was the person who told you to be healthier. You still have the same name, the same heart, you’re just 50lbs lighter.
When you decided to become a “happy person”, it was you who made it happen. Not some different person in the mirror reflection.
The person was always there in “you”. You just needed to see that person within and realized, we as human beings “strive to improve” and NOT “strive to change”
Watching a documentary a few days back and someone said something accurate about life: “Life is Simple, We as people just complicate the shit out of it”. It’s very true, life is simple. It’s really the simplest thing. We just sometimes ignore it, not respect it, don’t realize it, don’t embrace it, etc.
I want my life to be simple. I want to be a better person. I just don’t want to be a different person.
I ultimately want to be a fulfilled and happier “Vinnie” who drinks his Cherry Coke, eats a bag of Fritos and laughs while watching “The Muppets” at the movie theater with not a worry in the world other than whether he wants to have a slice of pizza or a burrito after the movie?
Because that’s what I want and I know that’s what others who know me want 🙂
-V. for Vinnie