There have been many famous battles over the course of time: Moses vs Pharaoh, North vs. South, McCoys vs. Hatfields, Jedi vs. Sith, Mike Tyson vs. Speech Therapy, White Castle vs. Bowel Movements, Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant…
My famous battle over the course time has been with a very formidable foe.
This foe creeps up like a sucker punch artist when things are going well.
It lingers in my brain waiting for it’s moment to come out of nowhere and poisons me like a tainted Chicken Quesadilla at Taco Bell.
It’s always with me like some kind of evil angel and I am not talking about former Leftfielder for the Angels, Garrett Anderson (That guy always killed the Yankees in the playoffs).
There are times when I see him in the mirror and I just want to smash his face in for all the pain it has given to me my whole life only to realize that a broken mirror will only compound my problem for 7 more years and might cause me to have stitches in my hand (though I have healthcare insurance).
The enemy is “Self-Doubt” and it’a a very cold jerk. I never provoked it and yet it keeps attacking me and attacks hard like a pissed off Spartan in a red loincloth against a 1,000,000 Persian soldiers.
My whole life I have battled “Self-Doubt”, whether it was:
- Knowing I was not normal when I found out what I had as a teenager
- Growing up shy and awkward to the point I don’t think any girl in high school would date me yet alone even speak to me
- When something I really wanted and worked hard for only to not get it in the end despite all that effort
- When I want to ask someone out, I feel like I am already anticipating the “No” that is about to be said
- When things go bad and It likely wasn’t my fault yet I feel had I done “this” or “that”, the result might have went differently
“Self-Doubt” even comes when I am at my most happiest sometimes almost like some Bad Omen is about to come to me because things feel good at the moment and that it will change in a flash like it’s a Self-Fufilling Prophecy.
Even when I win, I feel sometimes like I lose, another way.
I am scared to feel that way sometimes. Scared to let people I care about down. Scared that I am not fulfilling what I want in my life. Scared to be Vinnie.
I have beaten “Self-Doubt”. I can honestly say I have beaten it more times than it has beaten me especially growing up I was in such a darker place than I am now.
I no longer feel “broken” and that was a huge victory like Muhammad Ali upsetting George Foreman in Zaire. I rope-a-doped “Self-Doubt” and came out on top.
Though “Self-Doubt” never retreats. It comes back and it can comeback stronger and even more determined to beat me like that Michael Myers guy or that Freddy Krueger dude or whatever the Pinhead guy was.
I will always fight it. I need to. It can win a battle or two BUT it won’t win the war, I won’t allow it. I just need to have that Mike Tyson right hook to knock it out and knock it out for good.
-V. for Vinnie