The last five days have been in exercise in sleep and my lack of it.
I have to get up early to help my dad out around the building where he is a longtime superintendent because he has rheumatoid arthritis and cannot really lift anything heavy, so I do the building’s garbage and recycling. I do it for him because he busted his ass working multiple jobs to support his family and give me nothing but the best he could offer as a father. The least I could do for him given everything he’s done for me.
Work’s been tough in terms of work/life balance. I have been doing some long nights recently especially last night when I had to help out for a presentation today which went well. I didn’t get home til late night and just couldn’t fall asleep. I just dozed off for a bit but got up.
To be honest, It’s not the long hours or the early rising that’s not getting me any sleep. It’s just all that’s on my mind.
Think of it like your laptop or desktop (do those still exist?) computer, you usually don’t shut it off whether you go to sleep or step away from your desk/office . It goes on sleep mode until you press a button to get the screen you had before on the computer. That’s me, I am on sleep mode but can wake as soon as a thought touches me to turn on my screen which is my mind.
Now before you think I am associating the thoughts on my mind is all negative thoughts. It’s not really. It’s pretty much a gamut of all thoughts. Positive, Negative, Happy, Good, Scattered, Confused, etc. It’s all over the place similarly to a Jackson Pollock painting and my life.
Like I have mentioned in previous posts, I feel like I am at the critical point in my life. I have to pick a direction and sure as hell needs to be the right direction. There is no re-do’s, no take backs, no Time Traveling Deloreans, etc.
I want to be on the path of happiness, inner-peace and acceptance whether I am high powered executive or a high school teacher. Whether I have money or barely making ends meet. Whether all my dreams come true or don’t.
I want to know 5 years now when I look at my laptop typing up a blogpost on whether I am happy that where I am at the moment is I am not just content with where I am. I want to be truly happy at that moment and at peace with myself and not a worry in the world.
Hopefully I won’t have to worry about sleeping in 5 years either 😉
-V. for Vinnie