Movie Title: “Chickenshit”
Stars: Jesse Eisenberg, Clint Eastwood, John Travolta, Kate Winslet and Christina Hendricks
Tagline: Grow a Pair!
Mild-Mannered Kindergarten Teacher, Josh McMichaels (Jesse Eisenberg from “The Social Network) is the World’s Biggest Coward to the point where 7 year olds he teaches intimidate him for his lunch money and he immediately runs for his life during fire drills embarrassing himself in front of others and the girl of his dreams, Ms. Trickey (Christina Hendricks) who despite these embarrassments doesn’t even notice him and another teacher, a douchy guido (The Situation in a cameo role) bullies him from talking to her because he likes her.
Josh has lived with his Grandfather Mike (Clint Eastwood), his entire life after losing his parents when he was a young child in a car accident.
Josh and Mike don’t see eye to eye on everything because Mike sees Josh as a “Chickenshit” because of his cowardly ways and Josh never appreciated the tough love that Mike has shown him his entire life including the time when his Grandfather grounded him for not attacking the Little League Pitcher who beaned him. Mike is really bored being a senior citizen and the only joy in his life is watching action movies and Wheel of Fortune. Josh is under the assumption his whole life that his Grandfather was a Korea Vet who became successful structural engineer who travelled the World.
What Josh doesn’t know was that his Grandfather Mike was considered the world’s best and bravest Secret Agent. A man who defused Nuclear Bombs and killed enemy spies with ruthless efficiency for his country though he never drank Martini’s like James Bond cause they are for pussies.
Mike’s notorious rival, World Class Italian/German Assassin Hans Ferrari (John Travolta) has escaped the Supermax Prison that Mike put him after foiling his last plot to kill the Prime Minister of England with Killer Pigeons with intentions to ransom the World for billions and get his revenge against “Agent Mongoose” (Mike’s codename)
Hans sends a team of assassins on Mike and despite being 80 years old and not as strong as he used to be. Mike dispatches the Assassins at his house with relative ease despite one of them knocking out his fake teeth and shooting up the TV as he was watching Wheel of Fortune.
Mike realizes he has to save his grandson and immediately races to save him at the school from the goon hired to kidnap him as leverage against Mike despite his high training, he as most senior citizens cannot drive and crashes a lot causing delays for him to get to Josh.
Meanwhile Josh is taking notes during his Kindergarten class’s nap time. The goon comes in the room and being the coward he is, Josh runs for his life, as the spy pursues him.
Josh thinks he’s gotten away from the goon while hiding in the Arts and Crafts studio of the school until he sees the spy who has him cornered in the studio. Desperate for his life and realizing he actually will have to fight, Josh throws everything in sight at the art studio including finger paint bottles and balls of yarns which only agitates the spy and as the spy is about to grab him in a last attempt for his life grabs a pair of knitting needles and out of reflex stabs the shocked spy in the throat, killing him which causes Josh to pass out into a pool of finger paint.
Just as he killed the spy and passes out, his Grandfather Mike has finally got to him and Mike is shocked by Josh taking out the spy with the knitting needles logged in the spy’s throats and *flashes back” when Josh was 9 years old and he has taken him for trick or treating and Josh was freaked out when he saw a parent dressed like a Vampire giving kids candy to the point, he wet himself in which Mike calls him a “Chickenshit”
Mike snaps out of it and wakes up Josh by slapping him hard. Josh gets up and sees his Grandfather Mike with a gun and is panicking until Mike pistolwhips him, knocking him out (again) and carries him to the getaway car.
Later Josh wakes up in the car, as Mike is picking up his osteoporosis medicine at a pharmacy in Langley, Virgina which is 1,000 miles away from their house. Josh is about to panic again until Mike gives him Twizzlers his favorite candy and tells him to calm the fuck down.
Mike explains to Josh that he is a retired Special Agent and that Josh’s parents were as well and that he lied about their deaths. They died in a car bombing that was meant for Mike and that Hans had planted the bomb and Mike had to raise Josh.
Mike tells him despite he hasn’t lost his touch even at the old age of 80, he can’t watch Josh’s back for too long especially from any villain seeking revenge on Mike. so he has decided to use his clout with the President and the CIA Director to train Josh on how to be a “CIA Agent” or in the least,” grow a pair and be less of a “Chickenshit” and hunt down Hans.
Josh understands and *flashes back” when he was a teenager when Mike encouraged him to ask a girl out to the Sadie Hawkins dance and not be a “Chickenshit” and is so nervous when he approaches her, he farted and everyone in the High School laughs with as Mike shakes his head in embarrassment and calls him a “Chickenshit”.
Josh reluctantly accepts the offer of training and they go to CIA Headquarters where a British agent named Hannah Hooter (Kate Winslet) is assigned to help Mike train Josh begrudgingly because of Mike’s reach in the agency.
We cut to a montage of Josh struggling badly in his training while Mike and Hannah look on in shame that there is not one brave bone in Josh’s body.
In the meantime, Hans has acquired a lethal experimental chemical weapon, XE-69, also codenamed “Rotten Eggs” because the weapon is cased in Giant Egg looking capsules and plans to use them on every major city.
Mike and Hannah are at a loss as they see Josh struggle at a Outdoor gun range because of his scared flinching as he shoots and Mike considers giving up to Hans for the sake of the country.
When a bee is about to sting Josh (he’s allergic to bees) at the shooting range. Josh freaks out and tries to shoot the Bee and while he misses the bee, Josh’s bullets hit every target. Josh is at his wits end with the Bee and grabs his Grandfather’s bowie knife from his holster and kills the Bee.
Mike and Hannah are impressed, then Mike *flashes back* when Josh was 7 years old and he got him a clown for his birthday, Josh was so scared of the clown, he got defensive and he kicked it in the balls and smashed his head with the stick used to hit the Pinata and runs away. When the party guests and all the parents at the party go to find Josh. Mike realizes as he helps the clown up and apologize that the clown is an old enemy of his trying to kill in which Mike takes out the Clown choking him to death with his own bowtie.
Mike realizes when Josh is really afraid, the reflex from his “fright response” actually makes him dangerous and effective.
Cue to another montage in which Mike and Hannah dress like Clowns, throw fake “live grenades” and use other fear tactics on Josh which makes him into an effective Agent.
Mike and Hannah feels he is ready but agree it will have to take something scary to bring out the best in Josh, as they hunt for Hans.
Hans contacts the President and Mike and let’s them know he is prepared to launch the “Rotten Eggs” into Major Cities unless the US gives him, a billion dollars and surrenders Mike to him within 48 hours.
Despite his new found confidence in Josh’s abilities and love for his grandson. Mike decides to go after Hans alone and avenge his son’s death not wanting to risk Josh’s life.
Josh who’s grown to love his Grandfather even more (he *flashes back” to the times Mike was hard on him and realized that Mike was only hard on him because he wanted the best for him) and feels empowered in himself, goes against Mike’s wishes after him. Hannah joins him.
Mike effective infiltrates Hans evil lair taking out guards and gets cocky and starts to feel like a kid again until he throws his back and is cornered by Hans goons and captured.
He is taken to Hans, who mocks him for being a senior citizen and that he threw his back out trying to save the world. Hans wants Mike to suffer before he kills him and tells him he plans to drop a “Rotten Egg” to Langley first to kill Josh. Mike is angered but helpless.
Josh and Hannah also infiltrate Hans lair with Hannah during most of the handywork killing the guards. As they are getting closer and closer to Hans and rescuing Mike and the world, they are cornered by an Army of Mike’s goons who open fire on them. Hannah is running out of bullets and Josh cowers in a corner, he is literally too afraid to do anything at all to the point of paralysis.
Hans watching from the gunfight video monitors is laughing as Mike looks sad knowing Josh will likely be dead.
Josh, then *flashes back* again to all those times he was afraid and Mike’s hard love and realized his life would’ve been better had he stood up for himself and decides to “grow a pair” and takes all his training and begins to save the day taking out a majority of the goons while Hannah provides cover taking out the remaining goons.
Hans shocked by the turn of events is about to commence the bombing and doesn’t realize Mike has realigned his back and gotten loose from his restraints and attacks him.
Mike gets the better of Hans until Hans shoots him in the shoulder as they struggle for a gun and Josh turns up.
Hans grabs Mike and uses him as a human shield telling Josh to lower his gun or he will kill Mike. Mike tells him to “grow a pair, shoot Hans and don’t worry about him”. Josh insists he’s not afraid but he doesn’t want to Mike to die and lowers his weapon. Hans laughs and shoots Josh in the chest twice.
Mike angry elbows Hans to get loose but Hans pistolwhips him and is about to kill him until Josh gets up and reveals he had his Grandfather’s Bowie Knife strapped behind his back and throws it at Hans and it hits him, right in the neck killing him avenging his parents death and saving the world.
Josh picks up his Grandfather and reveals he was wearing a bulletproof vest all along. Mike calls him a “Chickenshit” and they both share a laugh and a hug.
We pick up 3 months later back at Josh’s school. Hannah and Mike are outside the school, Mike has assumed a role again in the CIA as a consultant to Hannah on assignments. Josh is in the schoolyard and walks with a new found swagger and the little kids don’t scare him anymore though he’s still scared to ask Ms. Trickey out.
Mike motions to him to “grow a pair” and Josh decides to approach Ms. Trickey when the douchy guido teacher tries to bully him again. Mike seems like he is going to step in until Hannah stops him and tells him to “wait for it”.
Josh isn’t scared of him anymore and proceeds to beat him up easily with the school kids cheering. Ms. Trickey impressed accepts his invitation to a date.
Hannah tells Mike, Josh is no longer a “Chickenshit” in which Mike replies, “I wasn’t going to help Josh, he was going to help the other teacher cause he knew Josh would beat him up”. They laugh and give Josh a thumbs up.
Happily Ever After.
-V. for Vinnie