Come on Irene!

Come on Irene!

Today in about 6-8 hours depending on your weatherman. Weather Channel Weatherman Jim Cantore is clearly abusing the roids dude looks NFL Ref Ed Hochuli who to those who are Football fans know what I mean. Hurricane Irene will be hitting my home of Brooklyn and the entire New York City/Long Island area.

I hope it’s like the devastating Earthquake earlier in the week in which a dude scrapped his knee and someone’s spice rack broke were the only tragedies during that “natural disaster”, and note the sarcasm on “devastating” and “natural disaster” cause nothing happened during that earthquake. I barely felt though I spilled some of my Grande Soy Caramel Macchiato which kinda sucked, that cost me like $5.61 at Starbucks!

Worst case that I am hoping for… Some crazy winds, tons of rain, some inconvenient flooding. No Power Outages, and somewhat decent Subway service on Monday.

Seriously imagine me with no TV, Internet or iPhone service. That’s like Rambo without the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and explosive bows and arrows. That’s like the dude, Daniel Day Lewis played in the movie “My Left Foot” without his effin Left Foot. What’s the point of the movie then other than the fact Daniel Day Lewis phenomenal acting makes me feel marginal 😦 Seriously, whenever he screams “I Abandon My Child!”. I just wanna punch myself for letting him abandon his child, he’s that convincing and I wanted that mustache from “There Will Be Blood”

I need my TV and Internet on my weekends! I wanna see Michael Westen kick some ass in “Burn Notice” then post about it on Facebook, and then tell off some dude who thought the episode sucked on IMDB.com

I stocked up on all the essentials: YooHoo, Cherry Coke, Coffee, Half and Half for my Coffee, more Coffee, Swedish Fish (I wanna go fishing in Sweden soon for those gummy delights), Pizza, Self-Tanning Spray, Shotguns (in case the Zombies try to take advantage), Bazooka Joes, Pajamas with Weather Patterns on them, Flashlights, Water, Honey Bunches of Oats, Jet Ski when I go looting afterward, etc.

If the power does not go down (fingers crossed), I plan to do the following:

  • Blog… Duh!
  • Watch “Road House” at least 3 times over and over again
  • Scream the lyrics to The Scorpions “Rock You Like a Hurricane in my underwear with some bombastic air guitar
  • Catch-up on my never-ending DVR/Netflix queue’s and want some obscure British action show that features hot female heroes with gaps in their teeth
  • Mimic Rick Astley’s dance moves in his music videos specifically “Never Gonna Give You Up” and “Together Forever”
  • Song “Come on Eileen” on the roof during the Hurricane changing “Eileen” to “Irene” as valiant gesture against that bitch of a Hurricane granted I would probably be blitzed on Yuengling beer
  • Run naked in circles at my house screaming “I am the Last Naked Warrior” after my 15th cup of coffee and 7th bag of Swedish Fish at 11:00am in the morning
  • Oogle at my Zooey Deschanel and Kat Dennings posters for hours with a very creepy stare
  • Work on my muscles by benchpressing a ham and cheese sandwich
  • Practice Tai Chi
  • Watch “Bloodsport” and take shots of A&W Root Beer when Jean Claude Van Damme (who plays an American in the movie) mispronounces words
  • Work on my “Crane Kick” technique next time some evil Billy Zabka looking dude tries to bully me
  • Watch “Step Brothers” and keep screaming “Boats and Ho’s” and “The Fucking Catalina Wine Mixer” obnoxiously like I am a Monty Python douchebag fan at a midnight screening of “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”
  • Watch a marathon of  “Hoarders”, then hoard every single episode of Hoarders on my DVR until my cable guy does an intervention
  • Play Harmonica with a Sandwich like Al Bundy did in that episode of “Married with Children”

As you see I plan to be very constructive during Hurricane as long as the power stays up though running around naked screaming “I am the Last Naked Warrior” is still possible because of the Hysteria of not having electricity.

I had a slightly hectic week but things ended well after a great office party and hanging out with my work buddies and my awesome boss. I haven’t felt that comfortable and happy in an office function since my early days at G2 with my close group of friends.
All kidding aside to my closest friends on the eastern seaboard. Be safe! and if you are in an Evacuation Zone, why the hell are you reading this! Get your ass to high/safe ground!
-V. for Vinnie

 

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