Chasing Carrots

I am in the middle of a bad week. I am sick with a nasty sinus infection, exhausted beyond belief and can’t really get anything right. It kinda began last week, but now it’s only getting worse.

There is so much on my mind, it’s really affecting me:

  • How not to screw up?
  • How to get this done?
  • How to get this done right?
  • How am I going to convince The Powers That Be that I belong back in where I was?
  • Can I ever prove to people I can do this?
  • How not to fail anyone who’s been there for me and I really care about?
  • How to tell someone how I feel?
  • How to tell that “special someone” how I really feel?
  • Can I ever really be normal?
  • Can others accept me as normal?
  • Can I not feel like such a loser?

A couple of people I am close to told me the last two weeks, “I can’t do everything”.

It’s a true fact for anyone including me but it’s still killing me inside because I feel I have to in order for people to accept me, if that makes any sense?

I am not Mr. Charismatic and I have accepted that. I can’t make people like me in a snap of the fingers. I can’t convince that girl that she should give me a chance. I will never be the cool person.

I really know one speed, “Hard”.

I know only one way, “put my all of my heart into it and don’t give up until you get it right even if it means making sacrifices.”

That’s the only way for people to appreciate and see the person I am and NOT the person they think they see.

Self-Acceptance, Acceptance and Love are the dangling carrots I keep chasing in what feels like a never-ending battle with no end in sight. There are high days and they are low days. There is nothing in-between. One day, I win people over. The next day, I lose those people.

I have to figure it out and figure it soon. I feel like I will never give up but like any baseball player in a slump, I just need to catch a break.

I’ll pay it forward tomorrow and see if that leads to that break.

-V. for Vinnie





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