It’s been awhile since I have been in a meaningful relationship with someone. In retrospect, that relationship was a bad decision given what I knew going into that relationship. It wasn’t anything bad, she was actually a great, amazing woman who I really. really liked a lot and wanted to commit too. We met through a mutual acquaintance. She was very honest and upfront with me when we began to start dating, about her ambitions in her career and that would trump love if it came into question at this point in her life. She was seeking a very specific opportunity and was willing to do anything to get that opportunity, I couldn’t help but admire her passion which surpasses any of mine.
I accepted her terms for two reasons:
1) In terms of what I am seeking in a girlfriend, she pretty much my picture of the “right girl”. Smart, pretty, accepting, funny, sweet, driven girl who loves life and wanted to explore new things and the willingness to teach as much as learn. She was like 8 checkmarks on a 1o criteria “Goob Love Compatibility Test”. I wanted to see where it would go, even if it was short-term.
2) Concurrently, I was recovering from a horrible part of my life which I was trying to pick up the pieces and recover. Within that horrible part included a rejection hard to swallow from someone I was completely “head over heels” (she was 9 checkmarks) and what really got to me was that she ended up dating an asshole who makes her feel bad about herself. Seriously, that is not the rejection talking, the guy drove her to the brink of losing her sanity and I saw what happened to her first-hand. Maybe it wouldn’t have worked out between us, but I would never treat a lady like that douchebag did. I don’t play mind games with people.
I ended up really loving this girl as we dated for months. I was serious about pursuing the relationship further and I could sense she felt that same way. I was at the point I felt comfortable to introduce her to my close circle of friends and my family. Then, as you are probably guessing, that opportunity she was seeking and was willing to drop anything was open and hers for the taking. She really liked me and wanted us to be friends but she had to end our relationship.
Initially, I was accepting of it because it wasn’t a surprise. She was very upfront to me about this and I couldn’t say I didn’t see it coming. It was a very tough opportunity for her to turn down and she had to take it for her. I have given it a lot of thought recently and really felt she I could have tried to convince her to stay especially how I felt about her.I should’ve tried. I haven’t been in a relationship since and in fact it’s been really hard for me in terms of looking for romance department.
For those of you, who have read my blog from the beginning: Neither girl I have just talked about are the aforementioned Ms. X. (who is a 12 checkmark, if you are catching my drift) who I have known for a long time. She doesn’t know how I feel and never will because I know she does not feel the same way about me and I have accepted that. I have a very meaningful friendship with Ms. X and admitting those feelings would ruin that friendship especially at the point we are at now. Saying it would borderline on “heresey” and I can’t do that to us. The sacrifice i have to make and Ms. X will never know that.
The catalyst to this re-evaluation of my recent struggles with love is the fact there is someone currently am interested in romantically and is really serious in pursuing. I really like her alot. I met her very recently from that little time I have gotten to know her, I really am into her in terms of her personality and sunny outlook on life. We met in a social “team” setting and I am just fascinated by her. I don’t know if that interest is mutual, but I feel with her unlike others who I have been interested in recently, a sense of confidence that she is worth pursuing even, if she says no.
Though I feel confident, something keeps creeping into me about not doing it. It’s feels similar to a fork being jabbed into your chest constantly. Sure I feel confident now, but what if at the moment when I ask her on a date, she says no do I regress? What if, she says yes? I really haven’t been on a date in a while I feel almost like getting “Dating for Boneheads” at Barnes and Noble or the Apple iBookstore.
What does help me is I have a natural week to ponder it over while I go on vacation in San Francisco before I see her again. I really like her, this still feels really tough to pursue. I hope I can get over these butterflies and that this opportunity, really is an opportunity.
I do know one thing, i have to make a move… Any move at this point because time might not be on my side either.
-V. for Vinnie