Today was an insane day at work. In fact, insanity was an understatement. Nothing was going right today, at all. There were soooooo many things happening at once and I felt so overwhelmed by everything going on, felt like I was letting my boss who down who worked her butt off this week for this project we were working on, I was having a headache and wanted to be somewhere else today.
Now don’t ever mistake feeling overwhelmed and wanting to go home with quitting, at all with me. I don’t quit even if I fail at something. Did Scooby Doo quit when Shaggy ran out of Scooby Snacks to catch the evil Janitor posing as a Ghost? Did Don Quixote quit when he was attacking windmills? Did the band Journey quit when some douchy music producer said no one was going to drunkenly sing “Don’t Stop Believing” at Karoake Bars?
Sure this is how I might feel, but given how my boss and relies on me to be there for her and my personal distaste for quitting I just kept plugging away, kept fighting and fighting all day to get things right. Going above and beyond to get the job done at the end of the day with respect and integrity. Guess what happened at the end of the day, the day I considered “insane”? The project’s presentation I was busting my butt on and nothing was going right, went extremely well. All the darkness in the day turned into sunshine at night. I didn’t quit. I didn’t back down despite everything that happened and because of the fighting and overcoming the insanity and the creeping self-doubt that is my biggest foe.
Self-doubt to me is my biggest rival. It’s the Alien to My Predator. The Wild Cherry Pepsi to my Cherry Coke. The Lakers to my Celtics. The Winklevosses to my Zuckerberg. Ok, you probably get it. Ultimately, I am my own worst enemy and “self-doubt” is the virus to me. Self-doubt can be paralyzing, you feel like you are completely useless, a failure, a gigantic fuck-up to the point you question why people ever depend on you for anything.
I know I probably put too much pressure on myself to get things done and I am probably doing the right things and the best I could and no one can fault me for it but at the same time, I feel I can do better no matter what. I have to be better. I might have flaws, but I overcame them my whole life so that it is not an excuse to me. I really don’t like also to let people who believe in me down, to me that’s an ultimate sin. I want people to accept me, that’s my ultimate battle. To prove I have “it” and prove it once and for all. It’s never enough to me which is why it drives me.
Today was a win for “self-confidence”. A big win. Things went bad but I just kept on and it worked out right in the end. I didn’t take shortcuts. I didn’t sell out my intergrity to get it done. I didn’t sell out anyone. I didn’t become anyone else other than me. I don’t want to be a braggadocio or be the humblebrag wizard, but part of me wished I can show those people who doubt me, don’t really know me or the people who’s attention i want to get saw me today. Saw even when things went wrong, I didn’t panic, I didn’t quit, sure I was overwhelmed but I didn’t give up. I got my shit together and got it done, the right way for me and the people who believed in me.
Tonight I finished my win with the ultimate prize: A 1/4 Swiss Cheeseburger with mushrooms and BBQ Sauce.
Enjoy your Confident Cheeseburgers tonight!
-V. for Vinnie