As mentioned in previous posts and I am unapologetic about it, I am a dork. To be more specific, an initially shy, socially awkward until I feel comfortable with you dork.
Lately, and as you’ve seen in my posts, my loyal readers and new readers (btw, Hi, I am Vinnie feel free to look at my previous posts and thank you!) I am in a really tough crossroads in my life. This blog partly functions as me trying to figure things out and being honest with myself. I want so many things now in my life (love, happiness, self-peace, career, confidence, etc.) and yet, I have zero clue how to get all or most of those things, given the limitations I feel I have as a person.
I feel like it can either swing either way in terms of the direction I will go whether it is intentional or not. What makes me feel better about my chances in the direction I go is two key things I feel I have finally achieved that I didn’t think I would ever get in my life: Self-Identity and People who believe in me.
I realized I am a dork/nerd with some other personality aspects who is smart, creative, has youthful passion, loves pop culture/sports with moments of occasional hilarity. That’s me, and I have no problems with that anymore. I am also someone who overcame a lot of difficulties in life and is a better, humble person because of it. If I am a Transformer, I am “Dorkitron”. You have to admit, it’s kinda dorky that my Transformer mode would be Dorkitron though Dorktimus Prime isn’t a bad one either. I am not embarrassed by it and in fact, it’s galvanized me and is helping with my confidence. People are starting to recognize me more especially at work because of it.
I always knew my family believed in me, there was never a doubt in my heart and mind because they’ve stood by me as I stood by them whenever we needed each other. I have their acceptance.
The acceptance of others on the other hand is a different story. I struggled a lot with it when I was younger because of dealing with Aspergers. It wasn’t that no one wanted to be my friend. I have friends. It was more people accepting the person I am and that was a by-product of being ashamed of myself which in turn messed with my confidence which gave people especially kids my age, the wrong idea of me. What they might have saw when I was a kid was a nervous loner who came off as someone shut-off and silent was really a person who wanted to connect but felt he couldn’t because he saw himself as some form of invalid in their eyes. It took a lot of work and self-reflection to realize I wasn’t invalid, far from it.
I feel now in my life I do have people who believe in me whether it is my closest friends, old friends or acquaintances/co-workers. My bosses, Andrea and Dorothy I know believes in me and know what I am truly capable of when others haven’t seen it. My best friends who saw me at my worst believes in me. My friends in Traffic believe in me and are always there to help me and cheer me up. My friendly co-workers always put a smile in my face as I eat a Chocolate Peanut Butter pie or talk sports with or shoots me a smile when I drop a bagel and a yoohoo in front of them
I am at a point where I have enough people who do believe in me and I no longer stress over people who don’t. My only motivation with them now is to prove them wrong and make them into the believers and if they don’t, at least I know in my heart I tried which is all I can do.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times I still struggle with it especially trying to meet new people. If you are someone I recently met and you notice I am kinda weird, tense up when I am around you. I do apologize, it’s not my intention. I just always have that initial fear of new people because I always want people to like me and it gives me this weird nervous energy when I am around them.
So, I have those two things and there were things I never thought i would have, I am much better now than I was for a long time. I just have to keep plugging ahead for the other things.
I might be naive, in fact I am probably being naive. I am Mr. Naviete. I feel like the next two things that will shift that balance and put me in the right road is love and career. I really do feel like meeting that special girl who I love who believes in me and makes me want to be more in life for her and that breakthrough success I am seeking for at my job are what will be the catalyst for achieving the other things I want in life especially Self-Acceptance and Happiness.
Happiness and Self-Acceptance isn’t something that just comes to you though it can seem like that, it has to be earned with hard work, humility, selflessness and love. Some people get it more sooner than others, some people may never get it. I refuse to believe I won’t get it. That is what drives me and I know for a fact If I tried and didn’t give up. Maybe I won’t have either or both, at least I can look myself at the mirror and say “I tried”. I would never consider that failure and failure is no longer an option for me.
Enjoy your late night drunken burritos world!
-V. for Vinnie