The Basketball Diary

I am much hotter than Leo DiCaprio

Hi Everyone,

Most of those who know me, know I love Sports. I don’t love watching but I am a student of the game. Most of my friends are not as devoted to sports like I am though I try to make it fun when I drag them to games like I am doing right now with my basketball diary! (please read!) ūüôā

Tonight is the start of the NBA Finals where the Miami Heat are facing the Dallas Mavericks for the title of NBA Champion in arguably one of the best basketball seasons I have seen since 1993.

I know in my head, I think the Miami Heat will win the Finals because they have two of the best basketball players of the present day: LeBron James and Dwayne Wade. ¬†LeBron James is the best player in the NBA. A physical freak of nature that can do everything but win a title but he’s a dick. Vain, a phony and his Nike commercials suck (except that one when he was a Muppet) He screwed over and backstabbing former team by saying he was leaving on National Television.

My heart wants the Dallas Mavericks to win the Finals, because of their star player, Dirk Nowitzki. Dirk is the Anti-LeBron. Also one of the best players but this is probably his last shot to win a title. He’s loyal to his team, his city and is one of the accessible superstars, and hilarious despite he is German.

I figured to those who love basketball as much as me or love to my writing prose. Why not do an extended diary of me watching a game, we pick-up by the end of the first quarter. Miami is up by 4, 16-12 in the First Quarter with 2:04 left.

9:31pm: Dallas is trailing by 4. Miami’s defense is smothering LeBron James like a Chubby Kid on a Birthday Cake. The game is in Miami and all the dumb bandwagon (Bandwagon means Fans who only care when there team is winning and never there when they lose kinda like people who say they loved Jersey Shore despite saying how bad it was because all their friends were watching it) ¬†Miami fans are wearing all-white like a bunch of douches at ¬†a P. Diddy party (or whatever the hell he calls himself now… though I kinda dig his new rap “Coming Home”). My best friend Liz is from Miami as are a bunch of my friends and she ¬†would agree they are douchy.

9:40pm: Dallas is in the lead! My dad is watching the game with me as he reads his newspaper and picks his nose. Something you need to know about my dad, three things he loves the most: Family, his mustache/beard, and his newspaper. Every family photo he has involves him with a Newspaper. My High School Graduation photo, he has his shoulder around me and you can see a rolled up New York Post on his other hand. As Newspaper industry is dying, my dad might be the one keeping them in business. Seriously!

9:46pm: Just saw the commercial for a new movie called “Horrible Bosses” with Jason Bateman, Charlie Day from “It’s Always Sunny” and Jason Sudeikis from “SNL”. It looks freakin hilarious! The title is self explanatory, It’s about Horrible Bosses and there employees seek to kill them. Hijinks ensue and Jennifer Aninston is one of the bad bosses and she looks really smoking hot in it. Who hasn’t wanted to kill their Horrible Boss? Or at least want to punch them in the dick.

I write on Liz’s facebook that the Miami Heat sucks though she doesn’t watch basketball but she’s from Miami, so she is the sacrificial Miami Lamb.

9:53pm:¬†Chris Bosh for Miami is shooting free throws. He’s the Miami Heat’s 3rd Best Player and one of the Top 25 players in the league. Chris Bosh is also a backstabber like LeBron and is a spineless jelly fish who folds like Origami when the pressure is tough. ¬†He is really tall and looks like the creatures from that movie “Avatar” except he aint Blue or brave like the Na’Vi (tall blue creatures from “Avatar” aka “Dances with Smurfs”)

9:55pm:¬†Trailer for a reboot of “Charlie’s Angels” on ABC. Minka Kelly is starring in it! It will probably suck, but I will still watch and oogle Minka Kelly for hours and hours. That’s not weird right?

9:59pm: Player with a Mohawk sighting #1

10:01pm: DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! Crap, wrong team! OFF-FENSE! OFF-FENSE! OFF-FENSE! Stupid chanting Miami crowd!

10:07pm: Bathroom break #1

10:09pm: Based on the advertisement on the Basketball Court. The NBA is spelled in spanish as “ene-be-a”

10:10pm: Player with a Mohawk sighting #2 (Different player)

1o:11pm: Halftime. Dallas 44 Miami 43. The ESPN sideline reporter looks like she is moonlights as a Kindergarten Teacher with her bookish glasses, shiny blouse… She even talks like a Kindergarten Teacher.

10:14pm: Since this is a battle of two teams I think of the other legendary battles I have seen in my life: Luke Skywalker vs. Darth Vader, Rocky Balboa vs. Apollo Creed, Roseanne Barr vs. the Ugly Stick, etc. BTW, on the subject of battles. Go on Youtube and look up “The Battle at Kruger”, It’s the greatest nature video ever.

“The Battle at Kruger” involves a small pride of Lions who stalk a herd of Buffalo, they succeed in cornering a young buffalo and knocking him into the water, as they are about to kill their prey…OUT OF NOWHERE! A crocodile emerges from the water and grabs the buffalo and a struggle between some of the lions and crocodile ensues. Eventually the crocodile realizes Crocodile Dundee is around and he is seeking his revenge (not really, he just gives up. I made that up for dramatic effect) and let’s the Buffalo go. The lions are about to finally make there kill and then OUT OF NOWHERE! The young buffalo’s herd comes back and rescues him and kick’s one of the lions like a soccer ball away and the young buffalo walks away relatively unscathed! Yep, it is pretty awesome. Youtube that or use this link:

10:23pm:¬†All that talk about “The Battle at Kruger” kinda makes me hungry for a Buffalo Burger, no Crocodile will get in my way or I will punch it in the Crocodile dick.

10:25pm: Night-dreaming (Cause I am thinking of her during “night-time” duuuuuuh) about ESPN reporter Rachel Nichols, she isn’t extraordinary pretty but her flowing, wild red hair is a huge turn-on and she seems like someone you can meet at ¬†Sports Bar and talk sports with while downing Blue Moons.

10:29pm: Halftime Over but gotta pee

10:30pm: Bathroom Break #2

10:33pm: Dallas starts the 2nd Half on a 8-0 Run. I high-five my father then he goes back to reading Calvin and Hobbes in the Newspaper. I shake my head in confusion

10:36pm:¬†I drop a Big Punisher rap lyric on a friend’s facebook page in jest. “I am not a player, I just crush alot”

10:39pm: Not confirmed, but I count around 104 Tattoos combined from the 3o players on both teams and like 6-7 headbands.

10:46pm: As Miami Star Dwayne Wade is shooting free throws I am pricing my possible vacation to San Francisco.

10:48pm: Dallas is struggling, thinking of what random cheesy song I can play on my iTunes to rally them. ¬†Possibly “Love is a Wonderful Thing” by Michael Bolton. Yes, I am a dork and the link is below:

10:54pm: My sister texts me that she wants LeBron to win. I hate her. I love her but i hate her….(still love her)

10:55pm: LeBron hits a 3 and Miami is ahead. My sister is a freakin jinx!

10:59pm:¬†LeBron hits a 3 at the buzzer in the 3rd quarter. SHIT! C’mon Mavericks! Eye of the Tiger!

11:00pm:¬†Mila Kunis is really HOT. Smoking hot. I will watch whatever shitty movie she’s in (except “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, a great movie) cause she is really HOT!

11:03pm: My sister is still a freaking Jinx

11:10pm:¬†“X-Men First Class” Commercial! I wanna see it! I wanna see it! I wanna see it!

11:12pm:¬†Buick cars still exist? ABC’s doing a knockoff reality show of “The Amazing Race”? “Will my dad close his newspaper I know he’s read back and forth 50 times today?

11:14pm: Dallas Mohawk dude hits a BIG 3!

11:16pm:¬†Dallas is rebounding like how I pick-up women. Not very good at all ūüė¶

11:18pm:¬†Is iTunes “Genius” mode really a cool program that suggests music you might like or is Steve Jobs stalking you? If it’s the latter, I will be freaking out.

11:25pm: Dallas is going to lose. I have to play Michael Bolton again to rally the Mavericks before the Heat officially take this game.

11:27pm: I am going to¬†Sing outloud: “Love is a wonderful thing.¬†Make ya smile through the pouring rain.¬†Love is a wonderful thing.¬†I’ll say it again and again.¬†Turn your world into one sweet dream.¬†Take your heart and make it sing.¬†Love, love is a wonderful thing!:

11:29pm: I feel like a dork. Dad agrees and finally stops reading his newspaper.

11:30pm: DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! (rooting for the right team)

11:32pm: Wade hits a dagger 3. Ugh, Dallas is going to lose this game.

11:35pm: LeBron James just ended the game with a monster dunk and one. Excuse me while I puke before I go to sleep

Dallas needs to make adjustments next game. They lost this one. I freaking hate Miami and my sister is a freakin jinx!

Have to learn how to walk tomorrow and enjoy my burrito.

Goodnight world!

-V. for Vinnie

















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