My Poo’d on Self Story

The Movie I can't see without thinking of Poo

I will never forget that day, it was the 4th of July 1994.  I was 11 years old. My family in our apartment building had access to a tiny courtyard where he did BBQ’s with a gas grill, my late uncle Edgar gave us. I love BBQ’s. I seriously love BBQ’s. We were all having a good time. It was me, my parents, my Uncle Popo, My Uncle Angel, My Uncle Puto, my little sister who was 5, my little brother Tony, and My Aunt Candy and my Aunt Millie.

My Uncle Angel and My Dad were manning the grill making everything! Hot Dogs, Cheeseburgers, Shiskabobs, Chickenkabobs, BBQ Chicken, Steak, Corn on the Cob, etc. I being a pudgy 11 year old kid pretty much ate that all. We did everything that day, water balloon fight, shooting hoops, watching movies, blasting the boombox and I can remember Fresh Prince (I wonder what happened to him?).

Later in the day, we usually as a family watched videos and chilled in the apartment. We also had Cake and Cookies. My parents realized “True Lies” was playing at the Fortway Movie Theater (which now became a Chinese Import Supermarket) which was about a mile away from the house and we should all catch it before the fireworks.

“True Lies” is one of my favorite action movies of all times. It was a remake of a french film in which a Spy (Arnold Schwarzenegger) leads a double life and his sweet, unknowing wife stumbles upon his secret mission. It was THE MOVIE of 1994. Mix of Spy Action and Hi-Jinks Comedy. James Cameron’s last movie before “Titanic” and “Dances with Smurfs” (Avatar).

My parents and my uncles do not want to drive there because parking is horrible in our neighborhood and it’s a nice day, so we decide to walk it to the movie theater.

We get to the movie theater, and we order Popcorn, Nachos, Candy, Soda, etc. I eat it all. The movie is AWESOME! I feel initial pain in my stomach from all the food I ate but it’s not bad and I am not too far from my home so I decide to hold it.

We start walking home and I realize I made a big mistake. I really have to go to the bathroom. My stomach is killing me. I am trying to hold it in for dear life. Because of the hot weather and my holding in the need to use the toliet, I am sweating really, really bad. I start to walk faster.

My mom asks me if I am ok, I tell her I have to go #2. We are halfway home and in a residential area, so there’s no turning back to the movie theater. I would have to go #2 at home.

My mom gives me the keys and tells me to run home. I begin a mad dash with the growing pain in my stomach for the house saying to myself “I AM NOT GOING TO SHIT ON MYSELF”. I am blocks away from my family from my family, running into traffic recklessly hoping not to shit on myself.

I am a block away from my building. It looks like I am going to make then SPLAT. I am pooing on myself. IT’S TOO FUCKING LATE! SHIT!!! (Yes, I was a foulmouthed kid) But I still run home, I can feel poop droplets coming down my shorts and leaving a trail. I run into the apartment, pass an old guy who’s a drunk in our building and run home and immediately finally get to the bathroom before I embarrass myself anymore. I am finally relieved…

UNTIL, I hear my family walked into the apartment and they are laughing their ass out. My Uncle Popo is yelling “VINNIE DIDN’T MAKE IT HAHAHA!”, My Uncle Angel then weighs in “VINNIE LEFT A TRAIL HOME” and my dad said “GALVIN (The old drunk) THINK’S IT’S HIS POOP HAHAHA”

To translate, they saw the trail of poop I left when I was running home and the old drunk guy when he saw the poop in the hallway actually thought it was his.

The “Vinnie Poo’d himself story” still lives on to this day. My Uncle Popo reenacts the story very well similar to the reenactments on “Unsolved Mysteries”. My parents always tells my new friends I bring home that story like it’s an orientation.

I like to think I convinced that drunk old guy to get help for his Alcohol Addiction cause he thought he pooped on himself though it was really mine. I really do. Oh well.

-V. for Vinnie

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